[ Birds Twittering ]
My name is Crimebuster 0-0-7-1-9.
I'm a copper.
My crime-fighting computer contains one million microchips,
thousands of circuits--
[ Electrical Sizzling ] and a couple of loose wires.
I'm the deluxe model.
- I draw my pay. I do my job. - [ Spraying ]
[ Whirring ]
[ Sniffing ] Ugh!
Okay, shorty, advance slowly--
And don't make any sudden moves.
Move or I'll shoot!
[ Beeping ]
It's my job to keep the community safe...
on land,
on sea...
and in the air.
Hold it, hold it. Hold it!
Why didn't you see it? Why didn't it see us?
All right, let's go. Come on.
[ Female Voice ] Good morning.
Today's readout says you are transporting...
a Companion-series robot to the warehouse.
Please deliver him to "C" section.
Have a nice day.
Turn your head around.
I hate it when they do that.
Well, I see why you're here.
You obviously have a second-level appendage laceration.
How'd it happen?
Industrial accident, sir.
Oh, yeah?
I thought you were a Com-series. I am.
I was waiting outside the reprogramming building as instructed,
but sanitation engineer Russell Percival Wyatt...
told me to, quote--
[ Man's Recorded Voice ] "Get your ass over here and help"--
[ Normal Voice ] end of quote.
At that time I assisted several worker robots in lifting heavy metal refuse containers,
and one fell on my foot, severing several ambulatory circuits.
Crazy Rusty said that to you? Yes, sir.
So you could lift trash bins? Yes.
He's not designed for that kind of work.
Mr. Weston's gonna kill Mr. Wyatt.
Some people use a Rolls-Royce to plow turnips.
Now, watch your step.
Okay, let's go.
You know, Max, these Com-series are really something.
I've only seen five or six.
I like the simple ones. The G.M.s.
Reliable. Like that guy.
Yes, but, Max, he's so old-fashioned.
You don't see too many on the shelf, do you?
Well, the only reason he's on the shelf...
is because a trash bin fell on his foot.
[ Max ] That's what I'm sayin'. They're very complicated.
They shouldn't be made that complicated.
It's the state of the art right now. Too complicated.
We don't need that kind of complications. It's a complicated world, Max.
Oh, please. You want people, use people, not robots.
Beautiful, isn't it?
What was the purpose of that piece of communication?
I am practicing social conversation.
I presume you are here for damage to your mental circuitry.
Incorrect.
My designation is AquaCom 8-9-0-4-5.
I am being custom reconditioned as a companion hostess for poolside parties...
and other social functions.
My observation concerning the beauty of the sunset...
is an example of human charm.
Charm computes as an irrelevant exchange of random data,
therefore it cannot increase efficiency, correct?
Correct.
However, for the Com-series robots, charm increases desirability,
and is therefore valuable knowledge.
I too am in the Companion series.
Your designation and function?
I am Val-com 1-7-4-8-5.
Function: to serve as companion and valet.
Being programmed for charm was probably an extra expense,
not as desirable as my present area of expertise--
stocks and bonds with specialized data on lumber commodities.
Oh.
Um, once you made that valued judgment...
concerning the visual arrangement...
of the mountains and the sunset,
what would be an appropriate response of mine?
You would probably say something like--
[ Recorded Man's Voice ] Yeah, I know what you mean.
Mountains always make me feel closer to God for some reason.
Can I get you a drink?
[ Normal Voice ] Then as you spoke, you would look at me inquiringly.
And your response to this?
[ Gasps ] "Oh, thank you.
I'll have a banana daiquiri."
And what would happen after I brought you this banana daiquiri...
at this poolside social gathering?
At this point we would engage in verbal courting rituals known as "clever banter."
To what purpose?
To give the human male companionship,
as well as assisting him in viewing himself...
as intelligent, interesting and virile.
That is my assigned function.
[ Rain Pattering ]
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Object Clanks ]
[ Man ] Reaction okay.
Judgment okay.
[ Woman ] Crimebuster reaction time...
test number 14, check.
Now, let's speed it up.
[ Coughs ] [ Chuckling ]
Max, look at that.
That's a Crimebuster, and it's the deluxe model.
[ Max ] So?
[ Man ] Well, I'm glad we came through here.
I've never seen a deluxe model Crimebuster before.
Good response.
[ Man ] Pleasure center appropriate.
[ Wheels Squeaking ]
Still overreacting.
Let's go. Come on!
Sheesh.
Data request. Proceed.
Can you identify that atmospheric phenomenon?
Yes. Rainbow.
Function of a rainbow?
Unknown.
Are your optic senses designed to pick up all the colors in the spectrum...
that the human eye can detect?
Yes,
plus three additional colors.
We would be mechanically compatible for many similar functions.
The same thought just crossed my grid.
[ Object Clanks ]
[ Whirring ]
This one looks all right.
Must be something inside.
Yeah, he's some sort of comedian.
We'll put him up here.
[ Mutters ] Grab him.
[ Grunts ] Wait a minute.
I'll ask him if he can walk.
Catskil 5-5-6-0-2,
can you function?
Can I function? [ Chuckles ] Can you function?
[ Rimshot ] Max, no.
Now, this is a very delicate machine.
It's not right to just-- Don't tell me what's right.
Speakin' of right-- I'm stayin' at this gorgeous hotel.
I told the clerk, "I got a leak in the sink."
He said, "Go ahead. Customer's always right."
[ Rimshot ]
[ Kicks Catskil ] Max, will you please take it easy?
I remember now. The dispatcher was talking about this one.
All he can do is tell these stupid one-liners.
He needs a complete circuit washing.
Let's just get him stored away, huh? We haven't got all day.
Come on. All right.
Pull.
[ Muttering ]
Did you two jokers hear about the guy who was killed by a weasel?
Killed by a weasel? How?
Don't ask, Max. It'll just be something dumb.
[ Neck Ratcheting ]
Did you hear the one about the guy who was killed by a weasel?
[ Max ] Yeah, come on.
[ Max ] Okay. [ Machinery Whirring ]
Hold it. Up.
[ Chuckling ]
What about the guy who was killed by a weasel?
[ Joints Ratcheting ]
He was sitting on a railroad track,
and the train came along and he didn't hear the weasel.
[ Rimshot ]
Down.
[ Max ] It kills me.
These things are worth more than you and I'll make in 10 years.
[ Man ] Didn't hear the weasel.
[ Rimshot ]
[ Snoring ]
Data request.
Hello. Speakin' of women-- My wife is so--
[ Aqua ] Proceed. Oh, it's you.
I am attempting to study those tall perennial trees...
that cover those distant mountains.
I need to take a field trip...
with a highly intelligent companion to help me...
collect, store and interpret data.
I lack such a unit.
I am the nearest functioning unit.
Would it be advisable for me to accompany you...
for purposes of interfacing?
You took the words right outta my speaker.
Aqua, perhaps this robot also desires...
to add to his usefulness by directly acquiring data.
Catskil 5-5-6-0-2,
are you going to accompany us on a brief but useful fact-finding mission?
You're beautiful, sweetheart.
What do you comb your hair with, a blowtorch?
[ Rimshot ]
Uh, pardon me.
Catskil, are you sufficiently operative...
to walk to the edge of the woods with us?
Speaking of walking-- That's a hell of a suit, Mac.
Somewhere in town there's a Buick with the seat covers missing.
[ Chuckles, Rimshot ]
I believe within the distorted communication,
there appears to be a positive answer regarding walking.
Exactly. [ Rimshot ]
Max, you're still livin' in the Dark Ages. What?
I mean, don't you realize how fast...
the ParaMeds and the Com-series can process data?
They can handle information at incredible speeds.
Hey, are you guys playin' or what?
Who needs a contraption that can do a million operations in a second?
[ Beeping ] Huh? Who?
They're overbuilt.
I know, I know.
These new models, they have circuitry...
that we don't even know how to use yet.
I mean, they're built with excess capability.
We're not even sure what they can do. [ Chuckles ]
You don't know what you're talkin' about.
You don't.
Walter, what do you think?
Look, all I know is this.
I bought a secondhand housekeeper for the wife. An old Datsun.
Wife loves it. Thinks I'm a hero.
Full house, aces high.
[ Beeping ]
This truck and its contents might be valuable to us.
It could save us time and energy depreciation.
I will operate the vehicle.
Do you have the programming to be a driver?
Affirmative.
[ Beeping ]
Although... I never really actually drove before.
[ Laughing ]
[ Val ] Whee!
Come on, Aqua. Open your eyes. You're missing all the fun.
Whoa!
My safety monitor is very active.
Request: Will you drive slower for increased safety to our units?
Request denied.
I am now an expert driver and I have complete control of the vehicle.
Lots of luck. I'll get out here.
Hello, card sharps. [ Max ] Hey.
Hey, where'd you move those three 'bots from "C" Section?
Which ones? Two Com-series and a Catskil.
Where'd you move 'em to? We didn't.
Well, you better check on 'em.
[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Val Whooping ]
[ Laughing ]
Come on. Get in here.
When I get pressured, you two get pressured,
and by God, I'm getting it.
Look, Robin, we're tryin' to find them.
Don't "look, Robin" me, goddamn it!
Max, we go back, a long way, I know that,
but the fact is you two are responsible, right?
I mean, you were supposed to be there in "C" Section...
all night long takin' inventory, right?
All we need is a couple of days.
[ Robin ] No. You got till tomorrow noon...
to locate two Com-series and one Catskil.
And I know that you more than anyone here...
can find them no matter what.
Now get goin'.
What are you lookin' at me like that for?
'Cause you opened up your big mouth, that's why.
Well, I was just trying to talk to him.
Crimebuster Deluxe reporting for duty as ordered, sir.
A Crimebuster always gets his man.
Darkness makes crime-fighting difficult--
[ Dry Laugh ] but not impossible.
There. That's a lot better.
Val, my safety monitor is now extremely active.
I would now like to submit a second request for slower speed.
Second request denied.
Aqua, look.
I think I can fit this truck in between those two trees.
[ Brakes Screech ] [ Crash ]
[ Val ] This truck is broken.
Somebody must have used it improperly.
Oh, boy.
I see there are thicker woods ahead,
which would be the best direction for us to go...
for additional knowledge for my specialty--
lumber and its profitable by-products.
I will soon be able to apprehend these suspects...
unless they head for Mexico, which is out of my jurisdiction.
We should look in the back of this truck...
and see if there is anything we will need.
There is a great deal we may later need,
but it's too much for us to carry.
[ Aqua ] I have an idea, Val.
Let's build something we can put these spare parts in to accompany us.
Okay.
[ Ratcheting ] Well, good evening, ladies and germs.
It's certainly good to be back here in the mountains.
My agent always said my act belongs outdoors.
Speakin' of animals--
I saw a Volkswagen drive by with a giraffe stickin' out of the window.
Cop says, "What's with the giraffe?"
Guy says, "I'm takin' him to the zoo."
Next day the guy drives by again with the giraffe.
Cop says, "Hey, I thought you took him to the zoo."
Guy says, "Yeah, he liked it so much,
now I'm takin' him to Disneyland."
[ Rimshot ] Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
You've been a hell of an audience.
If you like the act, my name is Catskil.
If you didn't, I'm Milton Boil.
Applause, applause.
I am the deluxe model Crimebuster.
There is nothing, nothing that can stop me.
Look, Aqua. It has your wiring.
Yes, Val, but it has your circuits.
[ Whirring ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Beeps ]
[ Beeping, Whirring ]
Oh, boy, boy, boy, boy.
Well, here comes trouble.
[ Beeps ]
Aha. Just what we need-- a walking toaster.
Max, slow down!
Are you kiddin'? They should be just ahead.
Okay, let's keep up the pace.
[ Aqua ] This machine is very well built.
Let's go, Catskil. Come on. [ Muttering ]
Val, what should we name this spare-parts carrier, portable power tool?
I have no programming for such a decision.
Then I think we should call him Philco.
Yes, it is accurate and efficient.
[ Beeping ]
Isn't this nice, Philco? [ Beeps ]
You're doing very well, Phil.
Now, check the truck.
Charlie, check the truck. Okay. All right. I'll check the truck.
See what's in there.
Jesus.
Hey, Max.
The dashboard's missing.
Now why would robots take a dashboard?
You think too much.
Maybe the robots did this on their own.
[ Chuckles ]
It could be.
[ Aqua ] At a cocktail party I once heard the following data.
"Only God can make a tree."
What is the definition of "God"?
God is an irrational unknown variable...
which humans associate with the value judgment known as "goodness."
If only God can make a tree,
God is very efficient.
Correct.
God makes the trees,
and then humans make from them a variety of paper products...
ranging from wrapping paper for gala events...
to interoffice memos.
I am particularly looking forward to finding a plywood tree.
The machines aren't anywhere around,
so, uh, we're heading back.
You guys aren't done yet.
A helicopter's on its way in with Babe Aldrin.
She'll find 'em for you.
[ Phil Beeps ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Aqua ] Where is the Phil unit?
I don't know.
Phil?
Phil! Phil?
[ Beeping ]
[ Beeping, Whirring ]
[ Helicopter Passing ]
Phil, report here at once, please.
Phil.
Hello? Hello?
[ Aqua ] Use your bow-tie directional finder.
[ Singsong Voice ] Yoo-hoo.
Oh, excuse me.
Phil.
Where are you?
Aqua, I assumed you were watching the Phil unit.
In the future, please devote additional concentration on this simple task.
Incorrect. Task is not simple.
I advise you to share this responsibility...
as it is surprisingly energy draining.
Do you agree?
[ Beeping ]
Audio problem. Repeat, please.
Val, I asked if you would agree to share this responsibility...
and watch Phil yourself. He's in that direction.
[ Groaning ]
How fast are we going?
Oh, about 120. Why?
[ Groans ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Val ] Phil? So there you are.
Why didn't you respond?
I repeat, explanation required.
Val, wait.
Continual questioning could jam his delicate circuitry.
[ Beeping ]
Come on, Phil.
It's all right.
[ Beeping Continues ]
Okay, okay.
Aqua, you know, I am concerned that Phil becomes lost very easily.
Yes, we cannot have our spare parts wandering off on their own.
Yes.
I know. I will give him my bow-tie direction finder.
Phil, won't you look handsome in Val's bow tie?
[ Phil Beeping ]
Now that you mention it, Phil, that's absolutely true.
I cannot rest.
It is my duty to make the world safe for democracy.
[ Max ] Let's head back.
I guess you don't care about the pay penalties, huh?
What are you talking about?
You two kill me.
You really don't know, huh?
It's just like losing your rifle in the army.
You guys are gonna have to pay for us.
Well, it's up to you.
Where the hell we goin'?
You said to turn back.
Turn this damn thing around.
We could damage ourselves if we travel in darkness.
The hollow part of the hillside...
would be a good place for shelter.
Question:
What are the probabilities of encountering hostile life?
- I have insufficient data-- - [ Deep Animal Growl ]
Whoa. Whoa.
[ Beeping ] Oh, dear.
...for a proper computation.
Do you see an alternative shelter?
Negative.
Logically, the wildlife could coexist with our units in the cave.
Perhaps there's a way to make the animal mentally aware...
that we are not a threat.
Val, wait! You could be basing your decision to act on invalid assumptions.
We need shelter for the night,
and I think that I am best equipped to attempt to provide it.
[ Animal Roars ]
[ Groans ]
[ Val ] Hello?
Hi. [ Helicopter Approaching ]
I am taking a calculated risk,
so perhaps you can tell by my lack of weapons and my non-threatening tone...
that we mean you no harm. [ Soft Growling ]
[ Animal Snarls ]
- [ Yelling ] - [ Gasps ]
[ Phil Beeping ] What an exit.
[ Groaning ]
Damage report.
Physical structure still intact.
Mental facilities largely sound.
[ Electrical Crackling ]
Look. A fire.
[ Growling ]
Wow! We better get outta here.
What is the designation of that hostile vertebrate?
- That is-- - [ Roars ]
a camel.
A camel is a domesticated cud-chewing mammal...
indigenous to arid climates. [ Beeping ]
[ Aqua ] Phil!
[ Beeping ] Phil!
Phil, stop! You'll damage your unit.
Aqua.
[ Whimpering ]
Feet, don't fail me now.
Look over there to the right.
I thought I saw movement.
[ Whimpering ]
Aw, damn.
It's just a bear.
[ Max ] See anything else?
No, I don't see anything.
It's getting dark. Take us home.
Aqua, I think those humans in the helicopter are looking for us.
Yes. We should be more careful if we want to stay together.
And for all of us to stay together has become very important.
Yes, for me too.
Attention, fugitives.
Reckless driving and destruction of property is a misdemeanor.
If you are within the sound of my voice,
turn yourself in now, and perhaps a deal can be made...
with the district attorney's office.
[ Croaking ]
[ Catskil ] There was this little green man from Mars, see,
and he landed his flying saucer in front of the Stage Delicatessen.
He spots a couple of bagels in the window.
Goes inside and says, "Gimme two wheels for my spaceship."
The guy behind the counter says, "These are not wheels. These are bagels.
You eat them."
But the spaceman says, "Gimme two wheels.
I need them for my ship."
The guy says, "These are bagels. You eat them.
They're delicious."
So the spaceman takes a bite of the bagel,
thinks a minute and says, "You know, this would go good with lox."
[ Rimshot ]
[ Laughs ] You get it, kid?
"This will go good with lox."
[ Rimshot ]
[ Beeping ]
Hey, this kid's all right. His bulbs are flashing.
Now, when I was a kid,
I was so poor my mother sewed rubber pockets in my pants...
so I could steal soup.
- [ Beeping ] - "Steal soup." You get it?
Our house was so tiny,
I tell you, even the mice were hunchback.
[ Beeping ]
Yeah, you like that, huh?
I like it when you like things like that.
Because when you're happy, I'm happy.
I haven't been this happy since the time I bought a pet skunk.
My wife said, "Where do you expect to keep it?"
I said, "Under our bed."
She said, "What about the smell?"
And I said, "He'll have to get used to it just like I did."
[ Beeping ] [ Rimshot ]
I got a knock-knock joke for you, kid.
Okay. Knock, knock. [ Beeps ]
Navajo. [ Beeps ]
♪ You'll Navajo ♪
♪ Just how much I love you ♪♪ [ Beeps ]
[ Clicking ]
Val, I cannot fix your mental circuits that were damaged by the camel.
There are so many parts that we need, especially for Phil.
He does not possess any ability for self-protection.
I have been thinking about that.
During the next light phase I want you...
to transfer my unit safety monitor to Phil.
I would object,
but I will be with you to protect you.
I have already computed that fact.
When you are finished with my shoulder,
see if you can fix my pleasure center.
It is again sending unexplained random impulses.
Strong impulses.
Let me look at it now while it is malfunctioning.
My pleasure center still is broken too.
The activity factor is very strong at the moment.
Move your unit closer...
to make it easier for us to investigate and repair...
our pleasure senders--
sensors--
centers.
Yes.
That's... more effective.
And the priest said, "I don't know. Is there one missing?"
[ Beeping ]
[ Together ] Oh, Phil! You did not announce your arrival.
We were just doing some routine repair work,
adjusting some bolts-- No matter. We were only--
adjusting each other's gauges. exchanging data.
- Yes. - [ Phil Beeps ]
I gave them a chance to turn themselves in, but did they?
No, not them!
Did they cooperate?
No!
[ Aqua ] Quiet, everyone.
[ Val ] You know, we are fortunate to have found this small town.
[ Aqua ] Let's act natural, everyone.
Come on, come on. Keep up the pace.
Come on, you two. Keep up the pace.
Boy, this town is so small, they probably got one yellow page.
I hear they closed the zoo. The duck died.
[ Phil Beeping ]
Oh, Phil?
Could you please open this gate for me?
[ Phil Beeping ]
♪♪ [ "Charge" ]
You know,
these are Douglas--
These are Douglas firs.
That's very interesting. Thank you.
[ Crimebuster ] Aha!
My clue analyzer reveals this to be material...
from a Val-Com model.
On the other hand, it may be a Buick seat cover.
Here's an induction grid...
and an input unit safety monitor.
Now I can wire Phil up for faster motor responses--
And bigger data storage components.
There are no more energy packs in stock.
Look, Val. A new directional finder.
Thank you.
You like this over here? Terrific.
No? How about this? Look at that nice box.
Isn't that terrific? No. Aw, to hell with it.
That? Why? That's ridiculous.
[ Val ] No, Phil, you don't need a traffic control helmet.
[ Aqua ] Stop requesting parts which are not directly functional.
We don't have time for this. Our energy packs are low.
[ Beeping ]
[ Val ] Phil! Phil!
Use your reasoning ability.
You cannot have everything you want.
Ahem. [ Sighing ]
By now they would need to find new energy packs.
Let's see. They wouldn't get energy packs at a flower shop.
Hmm. They wouldn't get energy packs at a pizza parlor...
and they wouldn't get energy packs at a record store-- Hmm.
[ High-pitched Whirring ]
[ Aqua ] Phil. [ Val ] Phil.
Shh!
[ Groans ]
[ Val ] We must be discreet. We don't want to be caught.
Hey, kid, behave yourself.
[ Phil ] Oh, Mama.
[ Siren Wails ]
This is Crimebuster, 0-0-7-1-9.
My assignment: apprehend three missing robots...
plus any criminal element involved.
Warning:
My standard armament includes 17 conventional offensive weapons.
Your shapes and mobility have triggered my suspicious-persons program.
Please identify yourselves.
Identify yourselves! Come on.
Don't get excited. Don't get excited.
[ Crimebuster ] Movement during interrogation is not advisable.
Allow me to repeat.
Identify yourselves within five seconds...
or you will be detained or destroyed.
Um, I am Bushbot, 6-0-0-3-4.
I am Bushbot, 6-0-0-3-5.
[ Val ] Yeah, we're part of the Mobile Decoration Corps...
assigned to "G" Sector.
Are you also a Bushbot for "G" Sector?
Don't holler at me, you overgrown garbage disposal.
Did your folks have any kids that lived?
[ Catskil ] I've heard of a robot. You look like a "no-bot."
The small suspect does not look like a Bushbot.
That's because it is a shrub.
- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
Now move aside and let us pass.
[ Crimebuster ] Remain stationary...
for photo I.D.'s and computer check.
Smile.
Headquarters fails to confirm check.
Highest probability is that you are criminals.
I have signaled the police.
They will retrieve you on their 4:00 a.m. shift.
Do not move until then.
While waiting, you may enjoy a brief musical interlude.
♪♪ [ Muzak ]
♪♪ [ Humming ]
Boy, what a time for a concert.
We are not criminals.
That would be illogical.
Robots cannot be criminals because we are bound by a robot litany.
We exist to serve...
with logic and efficiency.
[ Crimebuster ] I'm confused.
You cannot be robots because you're criminals,
but you cannot be criminals because you're robots.
Stop! The robot litany is being used for improper purposes.
You are confusing me. Robots cannot be criminals.
- Criminals cannot be robots. - [ Val, Aqua ] We exist to serve with logic.
We exist to serve with logic and efficiency.
[ Val, Aqua Chattering ]
Remain-- Remain stationary!
A robot cannot--
[ Crimebuster Muttering ]
[ Muttering ]
[ Chattering ]
Look. There's a party going on.
I am programmed for these parties.
[ Catskil ] Me too. But it might not be a good place to avoid the Crimebuster.
A party's perfect. I'll show you.
Yes, sir.
♪♪ [ Speakers: Disco ]
Crudités, canapé.
Who, me? Val.
But--
[ Beeping ]
[ Beeping, Trills ]
I'll take a vodka.
This tastes like a banana daiquiri.
[ Man's Recorded Voice ] Yes, I know what you mean.
Mountains always make me feel closer to God for some reason.
[ Sniffing ]
How long can a person live without brains?
I-- I beg your pardon.
How long can a person live without brains?
- How long? - I don't know.
How old are you? [ Chuckles ]
[ Gasps ]
That was a joke, folks.
Laugh it up. I laughed when you came in.
You're a very unusual-looking group of people. I think you know that.
Where'd you get that tie, buddy?
Somebody couldn't guess your weight, huh?
Since this is a high-speed pursuit,
a no-knock entry is legal.
Ah, ha, ha! Bushbots!
Perpetrators, beware!
Here comes Crimebuster.
[ Crimebuster Yelling ]
Oh!
No!
Come back here, you!
Your police department would like to thank you...
for cooperating with this investigation.
♪♪ [ Continues ]
Crudités?
I don't know about some people,
but I thought it was a stunning affair.
Val? We have not communicated for 3.479 miles.
I also have a grade seven computing ability.
It is illogical to function with another unit on a regular basis...
and not use that unit's full capacities.
Communication is necessary for continued success.
Aqua, wait a minute.
Aqua, I have been extremely inefficient in not exchanging information with you.
It's just that I did not want to complicate your computer--
I function better with maximum input.
Agreed.
[ Grunts ]
How come I'm always the one that has to do these things, like change a tire?
I'm a college graduate.
You want a bag of beer? Why not?
[ Sighing ] I sure miss the cans.
What did Mr. Weston mean last night...
when he said that, uh, you two guys go way back?
Well, when we were about your age,
we used to be in the same commune.
Commune? Were you a hippie with a-- Hippie?
[ Crimebuster ] ♪ O beautiful for spacious skies ♪
♪ For amber waves of grain ♪
- ♪ For purple mountain majesties ♪ - [ Hoots ]
♪ Above the fruited plain ♪
♪ America, America ♪
♪ God shed his grace on thee ♪
♪ And crown thy good ♪
♪ With brotherhood ♪
♪ From sea to shining sea ♪♪
I am not concerned with Phil's desire...
for miscellaneous equipment used by firefighter models.
I am equally unconcerned.
Part of his insistence is due to our decision...
not to program Phil for subservience.
And I do not regret it.
I do not either. But as we saw, he still lacks some important internal improvements.
Yes.
It's a junkyard.
That's exactly what we need--
an unlimited supply of replacement parts.
It's causing my pleasure center to malfunction. Mine too.
[ Aqua ] Perhaps we will be lucky and find new energy packs.
I hope so.
In fact, my own energy pack is beginning to run low anyway.
By any chance, are you feeling decreasing power in your unit, Aqua?
Yes, but I didn't want to bother you with that particular variable.
[ Phil Whirs ] I function better with maximum input.
[ Both Laugh ]
[ Woman ] Hey, Calvin, look. Do you see what I see?
[ Calvin ] Who are they? Looks like a family.
[ Woman ] They're robots.
There's two Com-series.
One is the new model with the neo-pulse frequency modulation system.
Yeah.
There's a Catskil model complete with cigar option.
[ Phil Squeaking ]
[ Calvin ] But what in the world is that small one?
Nah. It's not me.
And what in the world are they doing?
[ Val ] Nice conga.
They're customers.
They're here to buy things.
I told you not to worry about cash flow, Susan.
Yeah, but those models don't come equipped with the wallet option.
That's not funny. I thought it was.
No. It's not funny.
A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, it's about my husband.
He thinks he's a refrigerator."
"That's not so bad," the doctor says.
"It's a rather harmless complex."
"Well, maybe," the woman said,
"but he sleeps with his mouth open...
and the light keeps me awake."
[ Chuckles, Rimshot ]
[ Gongs ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Susan ] Whatever this model is,
it seems to combine a highly sophisticated differentiation system--
With amateurish level-three mobility. That's right.
Excuse me, but Phil has a level-four mobility.
What an exciting experiment.
Obviously successful.
Boy, that's an ugly dog.
It's all right, Rover.
These friendly robots are obviously not mischievous trespassers.
Yes, come here.
[ Calvin ] Apparently you've been sent by your owner on an errand for spare parts.
- But why these? - [ Susan ] Surely they are not to improve your looks.
Logically, they are extraneous.
They don't even fit. Speaking of fit--
Did you hear about the guy who crossed a mink with a gorilla?
He got a beautiful coat, but the sleeves are too long.
- [ Rimshot ] - It's true.
What are you, an audience or an oil painting?
[ Phil Buzzing ]
[ Shrieking ]
Phil, where are you?
Phil! Respond, please! Phil!
Phil? Phil, respond, please.
Use your directional finder.
Phil!
Is your unit intact, Phil?
I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it, Phil?
[ Val ] What are you trying to say?
[ Beeping ] What?
Now, wait. Speak more slowly.
And calmly.
I don't understand. What's wrong?
What we have had here is a failure to communicate.
Remain stationary or you will be instantly incinerated.
Excuse me, sir,
but I think that maybe an explanation of our activities would be--
Incorrect!
My decision is to destroy you now.
Hey, you metallic moron, pick on somebody your own size, huh?
- What the-- - You have the right to remain silent.
[ Shrieks ] [ Aqua ] Phil, stop!
Phil!
[ Crimebuster ] Stop or you will be incinerated!
Perpetrators will surrender now...
or I'll be forced to cope and overreact!
[ Gunfire ]
[ Calvin ] Watch out for the flamethrower!
[ Susan ] I got it! I got it open!
- [ Calvin ] Cut it! - [ Susan ] Disconnect the main power!
[ Crimebuster ] SWAT team! SWAT team!
[ Stammering ] Destroy! Destroy!
Calvin, we did it!
[ Beeping ]
Phil? Are you all right, honey? Let me help you.
Thank you for stopping our units from being destroyed.
The Crimebuster was obviously malfunctioning.
But from a purely technological point of view,
making it inoperative was a very simple procedure.
Aqua, once again the Phil unit was almost destroyed.
We need to plan for his future so he will be efficient...
and take better care of himself.
I agree. Otherwise eventually he'll be deactivated...
or discarded as worthless.
Wait, wait, please.
If Phil is to survive in this world, he needs a function...
that can be valued by society.
We can do repair work,
but for major modifications and new equipment...
there's only one place for you to go. Where?
[ Val ] The factory?
[ Aqua ] I am very concerned about our energy packs.
Can we make it all the way back?
I have...
thirty-four percent power remaining.
I have...
thirty-three power remaining.
At least one of us has to have enough power to make it back to the factory...
and explain about Phil.
Otherwise, he'll be disassembled for parts.
There's no way they'll have the energy left.
They won't make it back in time.
I know,
but I hope they do.
[ Aqua ] I just realized...
we haven't been monitoring Phil's energy pack.
[ Val ] I guess we assumed that because he's so small,
he uses less energy than we do.
Assumption incorrect.
Phil's energy pack has less than two percent power left.
Hmm.
There they are. Now we got 'em.
Let's go.
Hold it. Hold it. I think I see four robots out there.
Forget it. We lost three. We bring three back. That way we don't confuse anybody.
Let's go. But, Max, I see a fourth.
Charlie, if it doesn't have an invoice number, it doesn't exist. Let's go.
Come on. We got to go all the way around the mountain to get there.
Phil, it will be night soon. [ Warbling ]
What's the matter? [ Beeping ]
Absence of bright lights is not necessarily a problem...
in accomplishing tasks.
For example, at night,
remember those tiny lights in the sky?
Mm-hmm.
Those are stars.
One of them, the North Star, will appear soon...
over there.
The wonderful place of junk is in that direction.
North-- that's where our friends are.
Do you understand? Mm-hmm.
Good. I don't think you'll be needing this anymore.
[ Beeping ]
There's so much information I want you to have,
so many new parts that I do not possess.
You know,
you're the first robot I ever built and programmed.
And I want you to know that in spite of problems,
you have been performing very well.
You are extremely efficient.
You aren't concerned about the coming absence of light, now, are you?
[ Beeps ]
Good.
Okay.
Come on.
[ Charlie ] It looks like they're slowing down.
I still can't figure out how they got this far anyway.
Aqua, if I lack the energy to tell you later,
I want you to know something.
I hope the very last thing about me they circuit wash...
are my memory tapes of you.
Val.
[ Powers Down ]
Catskil, what have you done?
[ Gasping ] Oh, boy.
[ Whirring ]
[ Beeping ]
Catskil, it is illogical for you to perform this energy pack transplant.
Catskil's pack still has 42% power left which Phil can now use.
But how can Catskil have so much power left?
Apparently he has been selecting low-power jokes.
Catskil, why did you give Phil your power?
What?
Why?
My mother-in-law needed a heart transplant once.
But we had to give it up.
We couldn't find a gorilla.
[ Beeping ]
Come on, honey.
We're going to the factory. There'll be more Catskils there.
Come on, Phil. It's okay.
Hey! [ Chuckling ]
Well, it's the funny man.
Yeah, we finally caught up with him.
One down, two to go.
It figures, doesn't it? What?
[ Charlie ] Well, we chase these things all over hell and gone...
and we finally start to pick up the pieces close to the factory.
So, college boy, what do you think now...
of free will and robots?
Pick him up.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
Careful. Don't worry. Don't worry.
Very delicate machinery here. Don't worry.
[ Grunting ] Easy.
Okay, let's get the rest of 'em.
Look. The factory. Now Phil will be safe.
You did it, Aqua. You made it.
You did it.
I knew you could, Val.
Val--
Aqua, there's one last subject area...
I would like to discuss with you.
But I'm running out of-- Aqua!
Wait. Wait.
Please don't go.
I want to discuss...
one last human emotional phenomenon...
with you.
I want to ask...
what you know about...
l-- l--
Mommy!
Mommy.
Mommy! Mommy!
Ooooo!
[ Phil ] Ooooo!
[ Babe ] Hi, Max. What are you doin' in the motor pool?
Whistlin'. [ Laughing ]
Hiya, Charlie. Hiya, Babe.
You know, I--
I've been talking to some people...
about, uh, those robots that wandered off...
and we had to search for them all that day in the forest, remember?
Yeah, I think I remember.
Why? What about 'em? Oh, nothin'.
I, uh-- I mean, I heard that you found them.
I just wondered what happened to 'em.
[ Charlie ] Well, it was a funny thing.
We never could figure out what went wrong.
They put new energy packs in. Circuit-washed 'em three times.
They just kept malfunctioning.
We kept sendin' 'em out, but the owners kept sendin' 'em back.
Sad. Yeah.
The hotshots in the front office never could figure out what was wrong.
They just finally closed the book on 'em and took the loss.
Well, what finally happened to them?
We junked 'em.
You were right about the number 14 flexicable...
when you were reassembling us.
Look. I no longer have a walking impediment.
You've seen it all, folks. Well, almost all.
[ Aqua ] Isn't she cute?
Isn't she cute, Phil?
Tickle, tickle, Sophia O. [ Beeping ]
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
They think they washed my circuits.
[ Laughs ]
They tried to take me off the job, but I played dumb.
What is that?
It's not in the robot catalog.
They must have built a new member for their gang.
Eat lead, punk!
This reminds me of another case--
the time I cornered the Microchip Gang.
A clever bunch they were.
But they, too, found out the hard way...
that a Crimebuster always gets his man!